I’m gonna try to be as civilized as possible about this one. The US Dept of Homeland Security is warning people about the risk of a terrorist attack against the United States sometime this summer. Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff said that he has a “gut feeling” about a period of increased risk.

"Summertime seems to be appealing to them," Chertoff said in his discussion with the newspaper about terrorists.

"The threat coming out of there is very real, even if there aren't a lot of specifics attached to it," one of the officials (from Homeland Security) said.

Homeland Security bases this groundbreaking assessment on recent events in England and “intelligence” they would not disclose. And, if I were Chertoff, I would not disclose my intelligence either. I am reassured in knowing that it’s been nearly six years since 9/11 and our Homeland Security Department is now announcing that the “threat coming out of there is very real”. Thanks for that, guys. And Chertoff’s intelligence tells him that summertime is appealing to the terrorists? Yeah, there’s something about the smell of suntan oil and the sound of a steel drum band that just makes you want to car bomb something. I guess this means Chertoff will be going after the Beach Boys now. I always knew those guys were up to something.

And what is it that has Chertoff so concerned? A “gut feeling”. Let that one sink in for a moment.

It’s always nice to know that, as I lay in bed preparing to drift away in slumber, my homeland is being protected by the love child of Inspector Clouseau and Spicoli from Fast Times at Ridgemont High. That just brings a nice warm and fuzzy feeling. I’m honestly waiting for the moment when Chertoff has a pizza delivered to his next press conference. I know it’s coming.

Ever since the Katrina debacle, there has been one pressing question on my mind: Just who are this guy’s handlers and how much longer are they gonna sleep on the job? Is it just me, or does anyone else have this image of them behind the scenes, fingers-crossed, in hopes that when Chertoff opens his mouth he doesn’t sound like a bad SNL skit…you know, the last one of the night after everyone has turned off the TV and gone to bed? I’d appreciate it if they’d at least do a better job of faking it. Give the guy some crib notes, write it on his hand, use a teleprompter, something…at least give me enough of a smokescreen so that I don’t think the Department of Homeland Security is being led by the Court Jester and his gut feelings. Can you at least do that much for the American people? I’ve always thought that Bush did a good job of surrounding himself with quality advisors who are good at what they do, which is why I think Chertoff’s role has to be comic relief. I don’t know. Just what exactly is the strategy there?

Maybe this is an attempt at reverse psychology. Maybe, if we appoint a complete buffoon to head up our homeland security, it will fake the terrorists out into thinking that we’ve set a trap for them. Maybe in some cave in Pakistan, this very conversation is taking place:

“Hey, Abdul, are we ready to make a move against the US?”
“With Chertoff in power? No way, Mahmoud. I’m not falling for that one. They must think we’re stupid or something.”

So, if the trend follows suit and a Democrat wins the next presidential election, they’ll follow the same strategy and appoint John Edwards as head of Homeland Security. So far it seems to be working.